I decided to start writing in a journal, but kind of just wanted to post it. No one knows who I am. What better way to talk than anonymously? Maybe that’s just my rationalization, but anyways, here goes nothing.
So I decided I wanted to write down how I’m feeling and what I’m thinking about because lately it’s all that consumes my mind and I just want a way to somehow let even just some of it out. Looking at my life as a whole, I’m in a good place. I’m interning at my dream company, living in one of the most beautiful cities in the country in CALIFORNIA. I’ve always dreamed of living here, now here I am. I have a loving and supportive family who would do everything in the world and more just to see me smile. Although I know I don’t have too many, the friends I do have are the absolute greatest in the world. So kind, with bigger hearts than I can ever imagine. (Thanks to my parents supporting me) I’m financially stable and (as far as I can tell) will technically never have to worry about money. I’m 22 and have what appears to be a wonderful life ahead of me.
Then why do I feel like this? So absolutely and completely empty. Just a shell going through the motions. I don’t even know what’s real anymore. If I’ve gotten so good at faking it, is it still considered a lie? Sometimes, I feel genuinely happy, and I treasure those moments, but usually, I’m not there. I feel like I’m on the outside, watching myself live this life, but not actually enjoying it. Obviously I know I’m PHYSICALLY there, but mentally, I’m elsewhere.
I can manage during the day, when I’m busy and around people. It’s always easy then. But once I’m home, alone, left with just myself and my thoughts, then I’m right back to this place. I don’t know how to escape. How am I supposed to change when this is all I’ve ever known my entire life? As far back as I can remember feelings and emotions, I remember depression and loneliness. I’m just sad, all the time, and I don’t know how to change that. I know what makes me happy and what my passions are, and that I should channel all this negativity into something positive, but I just don’t know how. I put my everything into work because that’s all that I have, but what about in August when this internship ends? Then what? Then I go into another state of terrible depression like when my last internship ended. Awesome, just what I need to look forward to. Hey, at least I know it can be worse than what I’m feeling right now. What a bittersweet realization.
The future terrifies me. No job. No idea where I’ll live. No money. No savings. Whatever. Fuck the future. I have enough on my mind right now than to add that on top of everything.
Remember when I used to somewhat consider rehab? I mean, I would never actually GO, but I used to openly admit to myself that I should probably go and probably get myself some real help. Well, still on the never going path, I could never let my family down like that. They don’t have to know how bad it really is. They’d blame themselves for not noticing, not intervening sooner, etc. This isn’t their fault and it’s not their problem. Their is absolutely no need to burden them with my issues. Anyways, instead I’ve been picturing what it would be like to talk to a therapist. I keep playing through scenarios and conversations in my head, imagining what it’d be like to finally openly talk about everything. Unfortunately, I know myself better than to know that’s possible. One, I’d never bring myself to see a therapist (which I do want to go, don’t get me wrong…I guess I’m just terrified of confronting everything). Two, even if I did go, I’d get defensive and lock up. I’m so fucked up that knowing me, I’d probably do so in a way that gave away 85% of my secrets, but hey, I guess that’s why I’d be there in the first place.
God, where would we even start? Depression? Borderline personality disorder? Drug addiction? Addition to anything and everything? Self mutilation? Food issues? Anxiety? The list just goes on and on…
Well. This has been fun and all, but that’s enough of that. I’m gonna go pop some Klonopins, smoke a bowl, and hopefully pass out watching Netflix just to run through the whole charade again tomorrow. CAN’T. WAIT. Obviously.
I want to start using this again. It’s been 7 months. I got down to 170 but now I’m back up to 183. I just graduated college (I went to an accelerated university that goes on a monthly basis, not semesters) and had family in town and all we did was eat for a week…of course.
Current goals: November 10th - 173 November 21st - 165 Thanksgiving will be the death of me. I want to remain at 165 through the end of November and make it to 160 by December 5th.
I just kind of wanted to write my goals out…just as something physical for me to look at and keep track of. It’s more for me than anyone else (obviously).
Hoping to have this Tumblr up and running again soon. Thanks for still following.